It’s been a long time since I blogged about anything, but with less than a week left in my hometown, I feel it’s time I did so.
I’d like to start off on the topic of feelings actually, or lack thereof… I’m about to head to another country for the forseeable future, and yet at the moment i’m struggling to feel anything at all. I don’t feel nervous, sad, any of the emotions that I probably should be. However, when i think about it, i’ve been talking about this for years - Maybe i’m mentally and emotionally ready to go. If that’s the case, it’s quite a comforting feeling. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I was fooling myself into thinking I care about some people, when in actuality I don’t? Either way, it’ll help the transition to no end. What actually sucks though, is the fact that someone who i’ve had nearby for a long time is having time for me now, and i’m actually growing very fond of them. Stings that I won’t be able to develop that relationship, but she is probably out of my league anyway - I thought for a little while that said female might be interested, but it’s the product of my overactive imagination in all likelihood.
Now, off the “Nik’s terrible with women” train and more to the point. What would you do during your last week in Adelaide? I want to kind of do something memorable, but I don’t want to go too crazy. I actually want to be quite reserved, as was demonstrated on sunday night (Anyone who was witness to the Lily Allen plan can probably confirm this).
You know it’s funny, i’ve built this defense mechanism where I say and do things to make me seem unintelligent or look like a complete ass. I started it so that I didn’t come across as superior to people, I suppose… But the thing is, now people actually believe THAT is me. When i say something outrageous, or pretend to be stupid, people think that’s actually me, when it’s me pretending to be the me that most people know. Kind of odd really, I think i’ll stop it, as there’s no glory in hiding gifts to make others feel secure. Yeah, fuck em.
Oh well, random thoughts, but my mind is surprisingly clear. Focus is new for me, I talk about it often but as the day-to-day stresses fall away, I can finally see what being happy is starting to feel like. Nothin’ like chasing down dreams to make you feel empowered.
