Like most things in life, i'll roll with it.

I was inspired by that bald Texan Psychologist to start my own advice column, so here it is. The only difference is, i’m not bald, nor am I Texan, and I have no qualifications whatsoever. But you can be sure as peas that my advice will be just as effective at changing people’s lives - In that it won’t do squat.



Dear Niko,

When should you sleep with someone if you are interested in them?

- Hootie McBoob, Adelaide.


Dear Hootie,

That is a time-tested question. For males, the answer is much simpler - Whenever she gives you the green light. For females, the answer is also relatively simple. As soon as possible. Honestly, if you like the guy, cut the damn games out and just get to doing what you both want to do. If you’re worried that he’ll see you as a slut, don’t be. In fact, the longer you make him wait, the more likely he is to actually CALL you a slut and blow you off.

Simple answer - Sleep with him whenever you want.


Dear Niko,

I’m going somewhere where I will run into my ex. How should i handle the ex factor this weekend? Ignore? Or be totally cool and talk to him?

- Chesty LaRue, Adelaide.


Dear Chesty,

Exes are always a sticky situation, but relatively easy to manage once you know how to take charge of the occasion. I’m a big fan of the ignore tactic, especially if you’re there with someone of the opposite sex. There’s really no reason to talk to an ex anyway, unless you’re trying to nail them one last time. Rule is - Ignore. If they come up and talk to you, you win. If they don’t, you don’t lose anything. Plus, if they do approach you, especially drunk, you can one night stand them and bail.


Dear Niko,

What what physiological criteria does a patient have to meet beforefore being discharged from recovery?

- Busty St. Claire, Adelaide.


Dear Busty,

Interesting question. It really depends on gender. Provided they’re all patched up and relatively physically healthy: Females are generally irrational and crazy to begin with, so provided they aren’t going to “Lorena Bobbit” anyone, then they’re fine. Kick them out, they’ll chat about it with their girlfriends over lunch, make up a story to blame a man for what happened regardless of how much of it is their own fault, and the world turns on.

Men shouldn’t be in the hospital unless they’re a) Dead (Or dying), b) packing a broken limb or deep wound, or c) Missing a particular appendage. So for them to be discharged: Send them to the mortuary, get a cast on the limb (or replace it with a prosthetic one) or put a band-aid and some Dettol on it. For any other cases, tell the man to grow a set of balls, and get the hell out of the hospital.



Dear Niko,

Are there any cheats for Bejeweled Blitz?

- BJ Blitzer, Adelaide


Dear BJ,

Interestingly enough, there is. Once you past the first level, type “BLITZ” on your keyboard, then hit Alt+F4. This will shut the window of your internet browser, then go buy an XBox or PS3 where you can find a game that DOESN’T suck.


Well, that’s all from the first issue of “Ask Niko The Sicko”. For future episodes, you can either shoot your questions to me via Facebook, on MySpace (www.myspace.com/nikolaithebrave) or Twitter (nikolaithebrave).

Have a lovely day, children!